R-E-M-O-R-S-E ! Those dry martinis did the work for me: Last night at twelve I felt immense, Today I feel like thirty cents.
   My eyes are blurred, my coppers hot, I'll try to eat, but I cannot.
   It is no time for mirth and laughter, The cold, gray dawn of the morning after.
   -- George Ade, The Sultan of Sulu, 1902 Musical comedies written by now-obscure newspaper columnists and biblical injunctions (Isaiah 5:11 -- "Woe unto them that rise up early in the morning, that they may follow strong drink" ) aside, we really don't believe in hangovers.
   Think about it. This is a column devoted to exploring the pleasures of adult beverages. There are men in white coats willing to tell you cigarettes will help you grow up big and strong if you only fund their research. Big Liquor's bigger than Big Tobacco, so there's at least room for reasonable doubt. So we say there's no such thing as a hangover, and if you experience any of the alleged symptoms of a hangover -- dry mouth, queasiness, headache, general longing for extinction -- it's all in your head. Really. We've heard of legitimate scientific studies where people consumed great quantities of alcohol and experienced no morning-after discomfort because Marcus Welby-looking authority figures assured them that the booze they were drinking was hangover proof. (Of course, we've also heard of unicorns, leprechauns and bipartisan cooperation.)
   But whether or not the actual alcohol has anything to do with it, we do it to ourselves, don't we? We don't exactly mean to, but once or twice a decade -- my last notable hangover was the day after an infamous tequila-soaked Tempe club death crawl I attempted with a certain unforgiven music critic back in 1992 -- we wake up with our heads feeling like ground zero of a Rob Zombie video shoot.
   And the question gongs: Short of inserting a quarter-ounce of lead into the heart of the monster who lives in our head, what can we do about these mythical beasties?
   If you listen to experts, not much. If hangovers do exist, and we're not conceding that they do, they are the result of some pretty complex body chemistry. So complex that the condition has a medical name: Veisalgia, from the Norwegian word "kveis," meaning "uneasiness following debauchery," and the Greek "algia," meaning "you loser."
   Drinking alcohol is, strictly speaking, a way of poisoning yourself. You take in a lot of alcohol, it rushes through the bloodstream and floods the brain's frontal lobe, dissolving (whoopee!) your social inhibitions and coloring your judgment. But your body, not being a total wuss, recognizes that you have to eventually go home and get back to work. All hangover symptoms are the result of the body's attempts to get rid of the alcohol.
   Which is why the major symptom of a hangover is dehydration. Alcohol is a diuretic -- one of the more gruesomesounding effects of a hangover involves the dehydrated brain shrinking and pulling away from the skull. Alcohol causes the pituitary gland to block the creation of the hormone vasopressin. In the absence of vasopressin, the kidneys send water directly to the bladder instead of reabsorbing it into the body.
   You wake up in the morning with a parched mouth because your brain is telling you to replenish your precious bodily fluids. About 64 ounces of water would be nice. Or, maybe better, a sports drink like Gatorade or some fruit juice.
   But dehydration isn't the only problem. There're these things called congeners, impurities produced during the fermentation of alcoholic beverages, that account for little details such as taste, aroma and color. The only problem with them is that they're toxic and the main cause of headaches that accompany these alleged hangovers. (This is why vodka hangovers are usually not so vicious as those produced by most other flavors of liquor -- vodka is chemically simpler with less odor, less taste, fewer congeners.)
   The usual remedies prescribed for hangovers are pretty boring (and generally ineffective): sleep, rest, drink lots of fluids (but not coffee) and take some sort of over-the-counter pain medication. Maybe. (Other experts warn against taking any medication while drinking -- especially anything acetaminophen-based, since, like alcohol, the stuff is metabolized in the liver -- although after you're done drinking, it's probably OK to pop a couple of Tylenol or aspirin. But you didn't hear it from me. )
   In a day or so, the hangover will fade. If you do absolutely nothing, the hangover will also fade, but you'll probably suffer more than you need to suffer unless you're one of those masochists who see morning-after discomfort as a kind of moral dessert.
   But there is good news for hangover sufferers. There is evidence that the old "hair of the dog" theory works. (As we've already pointed out, there's evidence that hangovers don't exist in the first place. Our job is not to undo years of inadequate education or to point out examples of magical thinking. We report, you decide.)
   Having a drink the next morning helps temporarily relieve a hangover's symptoms for the simple reason that you're coming off a mild overdose of a depressant. Eventually you'll have to deal with eliminating all the alcohol from your body, but a concoction such as a Bloody Mary (like the handsome one shown here, available at Gypsy's Grill for about $6) that combines alcohol with vitamin-rich tomato juice can make the slide down a little less dramatic.
   

Bloody Mary
   (Algonquin Hotel recipe)
1 part vodka 2 parts tomato juice Dash Worcestershire sauce Dash Tabasco sauce Salt and pepper to taste Ice Lime Celery stalk Olives
   Combine vodka, tomato juice, a healthy dash each of Worcestershire and Tabasco, and salt and pepper to taste to a shaker filled with ice. Shake vigorously. Strain into a highball glass filled with fresh ice cubes. Garnish with lime wedge, celery stalk and/or olives. Spirits is a monthly imbibing guide. Email :
   

pmartin@arkansasonline.com

This story was published Friday, January 05, 2007